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Theodore Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt was the 26th President of the United States of America and one of the coolest dudes who ever lived. He was the first great Republican president to wear a cowboy hat. Early Years Born in New York City, he moved to the North Dakota badlands at a young age, where he invented cattle ranching and the lynching of cattle rustlers. He is also credited with the extermination of all bears in North Dakota and on summer evenings he was often seen strolling along the banks beautiful Little Missouri River, looking for Grizzly Bears. Upon finding a bear he would strangle it, rip open its chest with his pocket knife and eat its still beating heart. These bears were then mounted and sold in tourist shops throughout the western United States. Of course, others have claimed that Roosevelt was in fact a bit of a pussy. He refused to shoot a bear that was trapped, as he was against cruelty and torture. (but it was a bear! He should have killed it on sight!) He also is responsible for forwarding the bear agenda, sending thousands and thousands of cuddly teddy bears out to toy shop shelves, where they were handed out to warp the easilly-corruptible minds of innocent American children. Thanks to Roosevelt, children now love bears. Bear in mind, these claims are totally unbased. No pun intended. War Hero Following his ranching career Roosevelt along with all his old Harvard buddies who were also bored of raping prostitutes, volunteered for combat in the Spanish-American War. Roosevelt was awarded the Medal of Honor for flying numerous bombing missions over Cuba in which he destroyed all of Cuba's ball-bearing plants and oil refineries. While in Cuba he invented the Cuba Libre (known in the USA as a rum and Coke), which is a cocktail consisting of three parts cocaine and one part rum, with a wedge of lime. Presidency Following the war, Roosevelt was called to Washington to be the vice president for William McKinley. But when McKinley was killed by Filipino troops during a glorious war, Roosevelt became our youngest president ever. As president, Roosevelt instituted numerous reforms to government such as the Food and Drug Administration and the introduction of pet badgers in the White House. While president he won the Nobel Prize for defeating both Japan and Russia in the Sino-Russian War. He also demonstrated the superiority of American naval power by sending the Great White Fleet to Switzerland and Bolivia. Democratic Smear The Democrats, always looking to bring down great Republican presidents, seized upon Roosevelt's old habit of killing and mounting bears. Democrats created a child-size version of these and called them "teddy bears", then framed the president for popularizing them. Because bears are the number one threat to America, many believed - incorrectly - that Roosevelt was attempting to corrupt and subvert the children by glorifying and cuddlefying vicious, evil bears. Roosevelt held out against plummeting approval ratings, knowing that if 30% of people approved of the job he was doing, then logically 70% of people approved of the job he was not doing. While campaigning in Milwaukee, a piece of pot-smoking hippie garbage attempted to assassinate Roosevelt with a gun at close range. Some experts say the bullet was stopped by his eyeglass case and his speech that he had in his pocket, but historical facts have proven that Roosevelt had perfect vision and he memorized every speech he ever gave. The bullet was stopped by sheer brawn. Roosevelt went on to deliver a 4,000 word speech that lasted two hours with the bullet lodged in between his skin and his brawn. It has been scientifically proven that Barack Hussein Obama cannot give a three minute speech without requiring a teleprompter due to his lack of brawn. Retirement Following his presidency, Roosevelt spent the rest of his life killing animals, especially bears and Communist spies in South America. External Tubes *Roosevelt today